Chapter Twelve

Brooks

Authors Note: The message I sent to my beta reader when she proofed this was, “I adore this chapter, so if you hate it please lie to me”, and the same goes for you! Enjoy, and I’ll “see” you all next year ;)

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The anger pulsing through my body was a welcome distraction from the fear and stress our conversation with Cadence had brought. I couldn’t stand still, and when Cadence’s voice from the hallway floated under my front door, I knew she was leaving another voicemail for my sister.

I’d left my own voicemails in the days after our missed phone call, but I’d stopped out of fear her mailbox would fill up. The thought of Cadence still having some sort of contact with her that I didn’t, even if it wasn’t reciprocal, killed me.

Her best friend was currently telling her not to come home or to contact me because of some loser I didn’t even know about. I couldn’t help myself as I ripped the door open and stormed down the hallway towards her. Lennon yelped in surprise, and quickly followed me.

Cadence stepped into the elevator, her phone still to her ear, and her eyes went wide as she saw me coming.

I stopped a few feet from her, and with my voice raised, I said the words I knew Hailey wouldn’t be able to resist.

“You tell her that she fucking promised me she wouldn’t leave me like this again. Tell her that I’m falling the fuck apart, and if she’s able to and hasn’t contacted me, she’s breaking her promise.” My voice broke, but I pressed on, addressing her directly now through Cadence’s voicemail. “I’m losing it, Hailey. I need to know that you’re okay. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but if this is what you feel like you need to do right now, the least you can do is tell me you’re alive, for fucks sake.”

I felt a hand on my back as Cadence stared at me in shock, and watched as the elevator doors slid closed between us.

Breathing hard, I stood there and stared at the metal doors. Had I been loud enough? From the heads poking out of apartment doors down the hall, I assumed so. Anger still swam under my skin, but I felt myself slipping towards desperation. 

I was drowning.

Fast.

“What are you staring at?” Lennon demanded, and I turned to see her shooting a look at one of my neighbours. They quickly retreated into their apartment, and if I wasn’t so upset, I might’ve laughed. “Come on,” she encouraged. “You don’t need to be out here right now.”

Nodding, I turned and stalked towards my apartment. Lennon closed the door behind us and watched as I paced.

I didn’t feel in control, and I hated that. It was looking more and more like Hailey chose to leave––and had left me in the dark while she did it. 

“I can’t back off, Lennon.” My voice was pleading as fresh fear that she was going to stop investigating prickled at the base of my neck.

“You don’t have to,” she said, her voice full of understanding as she watched me carefully.

Fuck. Had I scared her with my display of anger? She’d never looked at me like that before––like she didn’t want to be near me.

This wasn’t like me, but I’d finally reached my breaking point.

I brought my hands up to my face and forced myself to drag in a few deep breaths, attempting to calm myself down, but it was no use. My chest felt tight and my mind was racing. I couldn’t get over the fact that her friend was refusing to help us. Hailey clearly needed better fucking friends, if that was who she had in her corner. 

Instantly, I felt guilty about the thought, but I didn’t have room for logic in the rapid growth of my panic. 

My sister had been harassed by someone, and she didn’t tell me about it. Just when I thought I’d gotten past the realization that I didn’t know her at all, more shit was piled on. What if she heard Cadence’s voicemail and listened to her warnings to stay away? If she hid from this person for two years last time, would I have to wait that long again before I even knew if she was alive?

There was no way in hell I could handle that. I was a shell of myself after two weeks of no contact with her. Every day that she was gone a piece of me chased after her, leaving me smaller and smaller.

“What do you need?” Lennon asked.

“I don’t know.” I continued pacing, failing to pull in enough oxygen. “It feels like there’s a weight on my chest and I can’t fucking breathe.”

I felt her get closer, but she didn’t touch me.

I knew it. 

I’d freaked her out, and now I was spiralling even more. 

“I’m sorry. You can go, you don’t have to stay.”

She didn’t reply and I continued to try to breathe, but the breaths didn’t go anywhere. The pain in my chest grew and a horrified thought came over me.

“I think I’m having a heart attack,” I gasped.

Lennon’s hand circled my wrist and she pulled me to the floor. “Sit down,” she commanded.

I obeyed, sinking to my knees and hunching forward, my arms wrapped around my middle. Unable to sit still, I began rocking back and forth. “I don’t know what’s happening,” I repeated.

“I think you’re having a panic attack,” she said. “I used to get them, and they feel similar to a heart attack.”

“I don’t get those,” I gasped, desperate for air––for anything to stop this feeling. “I think I’m dying.”

Without warning, she wrapped her arms around my upper body and squeezed as hard as she could. It caught me off guard, but I didn’t pull away. Her body pressed against my back as she knelt behind me, and the warmth and smell of her instantly brought my panic down a touch. 

Not nearly enough, but it was a step in the direction I needed to go. 

We stayed like that, with me hunched over on the floor and Lennon with her arms around me, hugging me from behind and squeezing so hard I could feel her shaking from the effort. She rocked with me, following the movements my body naturally made as I tried to come out of the panic. A few moments passed, and I focussed on the pressure she provided. 

The warmth. 

The orange and sage smell of her hair. 

The seconds ticked by and as the grip on my lungs loosened, I sucked in lungfuls of air.

Lennon didn’t say anything, but her grip eased as some of the tension left me. Not ready for her to back away, I wrapped my hand around her forearm and tugged gently. Without hesitating, she adjusted how she was sitting behind me and rested her cheek against the middle of my back and her grip loosened so that she held me around the waist lightly. I turned my head to see her feet resting on either side of my legs, near my knees.

Her socks had cats on them and it was so perfectly Lennon, I would’ve grinned if I wasn’t still coming down from my panic.

I could only imagine how silly we looked, with her tiny frame wrapped around mine.

My breathing evened out, and I let out a shuddering sigh. “I’ve never experienced anything like that before.”

“Panic attacks suck,” she mumbled, her voice vibrating through me. “You did good.”

A humourless laugh left me. “I wouldn’t say scaring you with my outburst and then requiring your help to calm down was my best moment. I’m sorry.”

She squeezed me again, and I felt her shake her head. “You didn’t scare me.”

“It looked like I did.”

“I just didn’t know what you needed and I didn’t want to crowd you if you wanted space. It takes more than that to scare me off, Brooks.” Her voice was firm, and I had no choice but to believe her.

Emboldened by her embrace and lack of ability to see her face, I voiced my fear out loud.

“What if Cadence is right, and my search for her is putting her in danger?”

“We don’t know that,” Lennon said. “She was scared, too.”

But I couldn’t let it go. “Does this mean we stop looking now? The pieces of the puzzle are starting to paint an image I don’t like, but it doesn’t look like she’s missing.”

She was quiet for a moment, and I waited as she thought it through.

“What are you thinking happened?” she asked.

“It sounds like she got a call that spooked her enough to abandon her life, and she bolted. According to Cadence, and her reaction when you brought him up, it’s looking like that Matt guy is bad news. Her note suggests that if he caught her, he’d kill her. For all I know, she’s hiding out with an old friend and waiting for him to give up, and I’m putting her in more danger by trying to find her.”

Lennon shifted, and her chin dug into my back as she looked at the back of my head. “If you want to stop, we can stop,” she said. “But I’m not convinced that Cadence knew the whole story. There would have to be something awfully wrong for Hailey to go no-contact with you suddenly. I don’t like how close it all happened to Alicia’s death, either.”

“You think we’re missing something?”

“I do.”

I thought about it, and had to agree with her. Now that my mind was clearing, and the anger I’d felt at Hailey and Cadence was fading, it didn’t feel like the full picture to me either.

Lennon’s chin left my back, and I felt her cheek return to where she’d had it resting before.

“Brooks?” Her voice was soft, almost too quiet for me to hear.

My heart beat loudly in my chest, under where one of her hands had come to rest. “Yes?”

“If that happens again, what do you need from me? I hated feeling like I just had to stand there and watch you spiral.”

“You mean, do I need space if I completely lose it again?” I chuckled.

She nodded against my back and I smiled, feeling warmed by her consideration.

“I hope it never happens around you again, but if it does, I think this worked well.” I thought back to her hesitation when I’d been in the peak of my outburst. “Anger isn’t a common reaction for me, but I’d never hurt you.” I squeezed her arm. “I need you to know that. No matter what’s in store for us, my anger would never lead to you being hurt.”

She nodded again, and I felt her tremble slightly. Knowing that it was easier for us in the moment not being able to see one another, I resisted the urge to turn around and pull her into my lap. Still, I thought back to my suspicions that had come up when I’d seen Travis trying to manipulate her at the diner.

“Did he ever hurt you?” I asked. 

I didn’t have to say his name, and I didn’t want to. He didn’t deserve to encroach on this moment more than he already was.

Lennon was quiet for a moment and I thought she might not answer.

“Not physically.” Her specification unsettled me. “But I think he might’ve if I hadn’t ended it when I did.”

I froze, surprised by the admission, and proud that she’d been able to see through his shit and get to safety. Her silence felt loaded, and I waited for her to go on.

“He started to get really possessive of me and would show up when I didn’t answer his calls. When he was mad, he completely changed. I swear, his eyes would turn black, and it was like something scary entered his body and was in control.” Her breathing was shaky, and I ran my fingers over the back of her forearm softly. “I don’t think I’d ever known fear until I saw him like that the first time.”

“I’m glad you got away from him,” I said.

Anger at him for making her feel unsafe came, but I kept it to myself. She didn’t need to manage my feelings right now. Sharing this was difficult for her and it wasn’t about me.

“Me too,” she agreed. “That’s why I said it would take a lot to scare me off. You didn’t look like that when you were angry. You still looked like you, and my instinct was to touch you, to get closer, not to back away. I didn’t feel unsafe, I just felt like I didn’t know how to help you.”

My other hand fell to her lower leg, just above her ankle, and squeezed gently. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

She squeezed me back. “Thank you for listening. I’ve never told anyone that before. Not even Nora.”

“It seems like she has enough ammunition against him,” I said with a smile.

“My thoughts exactly.” Lennon was quiet for a moment, and I could practically feel her thoughts through the muscles of my back. “He is the definition of the boy next door, and I know he has the town wrapped around his finger. I’m not confident they would believe me, and I know for a fact that he hasn’t accepted the breakup. I was unhappy for a while before I ended things, so I think it was easier for me. Sometimes I worry that he will snap and it’ll escalate.”

The thought of her out at her cabin alone sent a bolt of worry through me. From the conversation I’d witnessed at the diner, and the way he looked at her, I knew she was right.

“Does he ever come around the lake?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Sometimes, I guess. He has a family cabin there and takes his boat out on the lake with the guys from town. Nora and I have run into them a few times, but he’s fine when he’s with other people. He’s determined to maintain that pristine image he has, so that darkness never comes out unless there are no other witnesses.”

“That’s kind of fucked up. He’s like a wolf in sheep’s clothing,” I mused.

“Yeah, it’s unnerving. Honestly, catching him cheating was the best thing that ever happened to me,” she said softly. “I don’t know if I could’ve gotten out of the relationship if he hadn’t. Even though I knew it happened, he still tried to manipulate his way out of it. He said it was my fault for living at the lake and not putting out enough.”

A horrified laugh left me. “What the fuck?”

Lennon leaned back, releasing me, and I turned to face her. My legs bracketed hers now, and she pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping the same arms that had just comforted me around them. Her cheek was red from where it’d been resting against me, and her eyes looked tired.

“Yeah, that’s why Nora goes at him so hard.” She shrugged again. “I was so insecure when we broke up, I didn’t even really blame him for making out with Nancy Pelgrine.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, right. Sometimes I forget you aren’t a local,” she smiled softly, with an expression that said that was a positive thing. “Nancy is a smokeshow. She’s tall, a redhead, and drop dead gorgeous. I’m pretty sure Dolly Parton wrote Jolene about her.”

“That doesn’t explain why you didn’t blame him for making out with her.”

She blushed, and reached down to fiddle with her socks, avoiding my gaze.

“You can tell me. This is a safe zone,” I said. “I already had an emotional breakdown in here today. Really, if you think about it, I was just opening the door for more.”

Lennon laughed and tucked a dark brown curl behind her ear. “I’m not the hot girl. I’m the cute girl. I’ve never ordered a drink outside of Elmwood without being ID’d first. I can shop in the children’s section at the thrift store. I’m not the girl that people have fantasies about.”

“I beg to differ,” I said, before I could stop myself.

Lennon looked up at me with wide eyes, a look of adorable disbelief washing over her features.

“You do?” Her voice was so soft, I almost didn’t hear it.

Seeing the hope in her eyes was like a knife to the chest. If she’d never heard someone say it before, then fuck it. It would be an honour to be the first.

“Lennon, you are fucking stunning. I’ve thought so since the first moment I laid eyes on you, and cute isn’t a word that entered my mind once.” I paused. “Not that you’re not cute––because you are––but I would use several other adjectives before I landed on that one.”

She pulled her lip between her teeth in an attempt to hide the smile that was forming there. “Like what?”

I laughed, and leaned back on my hands, meeting her gaze. “Breathtaking. Gorgeous. Beautiful.” She smiled, and it fuelled my fire. “Hot,” I added, earning a surprised laugh. 

I sobered as I watched her, knowing that she didn’t entirely believe me. Feeling as though something was shifting between us, I continued on. “But it goes beyond that. You’re incredibly caring and kind. Watching your brain work through things feels like such a privilege. You’re brilliant, and one of the most special people I’ve ever met. I obviously don’t wish what was happening with my sister was happening right now, but I’m so fucking happy that you’re the one by my side. I couldn’t do this without you.”

Lennon’s eyes twinkled as she looked at me, an emotion I hadn’t seen before settling into her features. She looked like she was on the verge of bursting into tears, and grinning at the same time.

I continued, “I don’t know where this idea came from, that being small meant you weren’t any of those things, but I don’t think you should let people like Travis make you feel like you’re not worthy of respect. If any person who is lucky enough to be chosen by you doesn’t spend their lives showing you devotion and love everyday, don’t you dare settle for that shit.”

“Nobody has ever said anything like that to me.” Lennon said, voice thick with emotion. “Well, besides Nora, but she doesn’t count.”

I laughed. “The way he treated you was bullshit, and I’m on Nora’s side with this one. Nobody did anything to end that relationship, but him. You put yourself first and I’m so glad you did, because he sure as hell wasn’t going to. That asshole doesn’t deserve to even be in the same room as your brilliance.”

She scooted towards me, and wrapped her arms around me. I lifted her feet over my thighs, so they rested on the floor behind me, and pulled her closer, tucking her head under my chin and returning her hug with a protective fierceness. Her bent knees pressed into my ribs on either side of my body where they were pinned beneath my arms, and I was entirely too aware of how her chest brushed against mine as she breathed.

“I’m glad I met you, too,” she whispered.

I slid a hand into her hair and she leaned into the touch, the backs of her thighs pressing into mine, reminding me just how close she was letting me hold her. 

My fingers itched to move down her back and explore her curves. I wanted to knot my hand in her hair, tilt her head back and taste her mouth.

And with the way I felt her arch into my touch, pressing her breasts into my chest, we felt incredibly close to that line we’d been walking. I was so fucking tempted to cross it.

But, as if thoughts of kissing Lennon woke some deep part of me that refused to be happy, the stress and worry from ten minutes ago poured back into my veins like ice, cooling the heat her body had put there. 

A bone-deep concern for Hailey still flitted around in the background of my mind, and Lennon deserved more than that. We both did.

It could’ve been the damn heat in that cabin––or the fact I slept with pillows that smelled just like Lennon last night––but I’d dreamt of tasting her skin and pulling soft noises of pleasure from her all night, and if I had the chance to do any of those things with her, I would show her the definition of devotion––and I couldn’t give that to her right now.

“Len,” I said softly.

The thought of ruining this moment was almost physically painful, 

She shook her head, and held me tighter. The hands that were knotted in my shirt loosened slightly, and she let out a breath that tickled my neck. 

“I know,” she murmured. Her voice sounded the way I felt––full of wanting, and frustration that now wasn’t the time, even if our bodies were telling us it was. “You don’t have to say it.”

I closed my eyes and buried my face in her hair, allowing myself to drink in the smell of her and enjoy the feel of her in my arms. Of course she knew what I’d been about to say, she was Lennon.

“When this is over, I’d love to take you on a real coffee date,” I said into her hair.

A laugh bubbled out of her and she tilted her face so that her lips brushed against my neck, pulling a shiver out of me. “I’d like that. But only if you promise to chug the last half of your coffee again.”

I grinned. “Fine, but if it comes out of my nose, you better not leave me there.”

“Never,” she said.